If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry's good, the geography won't be..

If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.

You need to be pretty damn confident to decline a mint when it is offered.

I like you. You scare the FUCK out of me. But I like you.

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `"WASH ME"` on her face.

Too many girls, not enough women

"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

You're following the wrong people, if you're not laughing when on Twitter.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

I save money on condoms by not getting laid.

Most people are going to hell, no doubt...but some of you will be used as firewood.

I've single handedly defeated my erection.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

A Girl who laughs at your dry joke on the first date does not have bus fare

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Women are like fruits. Each has its own unique color, shape, smell and taste. The problem is with us men. We love fruit SALAD.

Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

My follower count fluctuates more than my weight after a traumatic breakup.