Favstar wird sogar noch besser, wenn du dich anmeldest.
You'll meet a handful of people in your life you can talk to on the phone for hours. That's called a connection.
Try not to fuck those up.
Hearing the sound of your own voice on voicemail is nature's special way of saying you're not nearly as cool as you think you are.
Her To Do List:
Pick up dry cleaning,
Stop mail for upcoming vacation,
My To Do List:
Try again to put penis in her butt
Chopsticks would be a hell of a lot easier to use if there was just one of them and it was metal and shaped like a fork.
Biggest client: "Are you on Twitter?"
Me: (pause) (sip coffee) "No."
*start car* *plug in iPod* *check Twitter* *skip song* *check Twitter* *swerve to avoid mailbox* *skip song* *Tweet* *skip song* *arrive*
People who call you when they could have just texted you are monsters.
Did you know if you put your ear up to an empty vodka bottle you can hear someone say:
"What the fuck is the matter with you?!?"
A recent study that I just conducted shows that men spend 20% of their lives sitting by themselves in the car waiting for women to do stuff.
Just dislocated my shoulder trying to take a cell phone pic of my own ass.
Kids were drawing a picture of mommy and asked what color crayons to use. I said do you have "Screamin for no Reason" or "Sunset Boozebag"?
Alcohol makes everything better and then it makes everything worse - but fuck that part - first things first.
I miss the days when happiness was purposely squirting Elmer's Glue on your hands just so you could peel it off later.
Today's date is 2/7/11 -which is where I'd like to go right now to pick up some fucking snacks instead of starving to death in this meeting
My milkshake is vodka and sometimes it leaves me face down in the yard.
You had me at "I'll leave you alone."
If you can make it out of Target and somehow spend less than $100, you're a fucking ninja.
My 7-year old son loves fire trucks so I just burned down the neighbor's house and now he can see whole bunches of 'em! That's love people.
"I prefer a text over an email over a phone call over a personal visit." ~you, if you're anything like me.
Take a moment today to slow down, close your eyes & send energy & love to people that are hurting. We're all on the same team #serioustweet
I have no idea what I'm doing. http://seriousprobz.tumblr.com