I want a woman that makes my dick hard.

Not my life.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can't think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can't say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Killing yourself doesn't end the pain.


It passes it on to others.

This ugly chick at the bar told me her favorite position is doggy-style.

Bitch please, like you have a choice.

You guys are fucking hilarious!

You can make sexist, racist, and fascist jokes all fucking day.

But god forbid you misspell or steal it.

Don't worry about who following you or who's not following back.

Worry about why that worries you.

I think women go bat shit crazy every once in a while just to let us know they're tired of being the responsible one.

It's really hard to find a great woman.


Because they don't need a man.

I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hate-fuck Flo from Progressive.

What's black and never works?



Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck.

I see dead people.

Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

My wife is playing hard to get.


Rid of.

If at any point your religion makes you hate another person,

either you're a hypocrite or your religion is.

Do you know what an RT says to me?


That you're not ashamed to be my friend.

Fuck tweeting like no one is watching.


Tweet like you're trying to get unfollowed.

No regrets! Tell someone you love exactly that. No matter how hard you think it might be, because saying it to a gravestone is a LOT harder.

Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

I think Facebook would draw more Tweeters to their network if they would change their 'Poke' feature to 'Stab'.

Do you want to know Victoria's Secret?

Their lingerie doesn't look the same on your wife as it does on their models.

BIG secret!

Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.