I’m emotionally unavailable but I make up for it by being completely unattractive.

If I quit Twitter, I'm never coming back. I'll cut off both hands just to be sure. I imagine the 1st hand will be easier than the 2nd tho.

When asked, "What were you thinking?!" My usual response is, "How am I going to get this down to 140 characters?" #SadButTrue

The last time I "danced like no one was watching" it left me single for 7 years.

Sure, sure. Friends-with-benefits sounds pretty awesome. But I'm willing to bet that enemies-with-benefits could blow your fucking mind.

I think it's bed time. I've been playing "Outlast the Ambien" and I think my cat just made the "throat slit" motion at me. Can they do that?

I'm not under-followed. I prefer to call it over-ignored.

It burns when I pray.

Sam Adams and sleeping pills. It's the kind of combo that says, "Tomorrow is another day. But it doesn't have to be!"

Online dating advice: If the first pic you receive is of the other person's pick-up truck or cats, run. Run like you stole something.

I"m not stalking you. I'm getting to know you by way of shadowing your movements.

Right after a funny tweet, I sometimes log into my bank account to see if I'm finally getting paid for this shit. So far, it's still no.

Remember folks - if you're being chased by a bear, you don't have to be faster than the bear, just the people you're hiking with.

I feel like 10lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb bag.

I feel like 4.5kg of shite stuffed into a 2.27kg bag. (For my UK friends)

According to my browser history, the internet only consists of about 8 websites. I need to get out more... No, not out of the house, god no.

If I steal one of your tweets it's because we both know it looks funnier on me.

You only love me because I give good follow.

I'm not British, but I still actively use the word "trouser." Usually, it's in connection with the word "snake."

Juicy Fruit is the Carrot top of chewing gum. At first, you think it's awesome but 18 seconds later you realize the sad, sad truth.

I'm just a boy, sitting in front of a computer, clicking on a link, that's promising me a bigger pee-pee.