Favstar wird sogar noch besser, wenn du dich anmeldest.
Omg, I'm a huge fan!
Mom: You’re never moving out, are you?
Me: *peaks out of pillow fort* probably not.
Mom: Is my vodka in that fort?
Me: NO GIRLS ALLOWED!
I'm a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-
I'm better than you.
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
Kids are SO gullible.
And flammable, HOLY SHIT!
You're unfollowing me because I don't proof read my tweets?
Go ahead, see if I take a shit.
Why are all the good tweets either already taken or gay?
1. Write hilarious tweet.
2. Laugh uncontrollably.
3. Send tweet.
4. Three stars.
5. Die alone.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency.
Me: I'm 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.
Post a tweet that took you 40 minutes to write: 4 stars.
Cat runs across the keyboard: 29 RTs, 416 stars, 3DMs.
Sometimes I hate you all.
1. Put your penis in.
2. Take your penis out.
3. Put your penis in.
4. Shake it all about.
5. Put coworkers sandwich back in the fridge.
Mom: Rent’s due.
Me: *puts on invisibility cloak*
Mom: That’s a Hanna Montana sheet, fucker.
Me: *waves wand* rentus oblivious!
Me: *holds foot over pavement*
Mom: Please, NO!
Cop: Don’t do it, kid.
Me: SHE PROMISED ME ICE CREAM! *steps on crack*
Cop: *opens fire*
The Five Stages of Twitter.
1. Follow celebrities.
2. Using hashtags.
3. Follow real people.
4. Find Favstar.
5. Starvation & death.
Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family.
It stumbles around.
This seems like a reasonable place to sob uncontrollably.
-Me, sorting through my grandma's mail.
Mom: Who are these people!
Me: It’s a tweet-up!
Me: These are my friends.
Mom: That guy’s peeing on the cat!
Me: He’s elite!
I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.
Do you have any cookies?
Alcoholics: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!
Potheads: It’s 4:20 somewhere!
Crackheads: I’ll suck your dick for $3!
You don't know true horror until you've had the realization that the bath toy you were squirting in your mouth as a child was your mother's used douche.