I hope when I die my kids say "She was a good mom...to people she met online".

I put two dishes in the dishwasher and then check Twitter. At this rate the house will be clean in 400 days.

Wow trying to function on 2 hours sleep is not easy. It took me 20 minutes to type this.

This guy was like "I'll help you make dinner". But he didn't do shit. Thanks for nothing, Hamburger Helper.

I love how the sex toy sites have a Facebook button to tell your friends. So your whole family can know you love bondage.

Being in my mid-thirties is weird. I'm constantly thinking about sex but too tired to do anything about it.

When I kill my family my defense will be The Wiggles Insanity.

I can feel my hair turn grey when my daughter sings Katy Perry songs.

Usually I think of an appropriate response about 3 hours after someone talks to me.

I'm so glad I'm not a guy. Just trying to plug my phone charger in is a hassle. A little to the left...no, more right. DAMMIT, GET IN THERE!

If I could give one piece of advice to teens on Twitter it would be GET OFF TWITTER! It's too late for us but you still have a chance!

I didn't start Twitter to be popular or get noticed. I just hate being alone and you all fit in my pocket perfectly.

Just spent an hour cleaning and the house looks just as bad as before. This must be how Sarah Jessica Parker's make-up team feels.

At the store and my daughter sais "I just farted on those flowers, they will probably die." #bestkidever

My superpower is losing my sunglasses.

My favorite way to do dishes is by smashing them in the sink, apparently.

I swear I get two inches taller when I put my bra on.

I buy doughnuts so I can practice my self control. I need a lot of practice.

8yo: What's an archaeologists favorite music? Me: Classic Rock. Nailed it.

The floor is never more squeaky than when I'm trying to sneak out of the baby's room.