What the fuck is an F-bomb?

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

I'm bringing sexy back. And they had better return my money because that shit never worked for me.

If I offend my followers on a regular basis to the point where I'm only left with one, am I supposed to tweet: "UNO!" ?

Never EVER shush a woman during sex.

When I was 5 I had two imaginary friends that lived in the garage. Seems my Dad kept a lot of solvents in there.

If you occasionally giggle at your own tweets, well, I think you and I might just get along fine.

Is spending a lot of time on Twitter considered falling in with the wrong crowd?

If there is a hole in your life, the first thing you can try is filling it up with music.

I'm painfully aware of how painful it is to be fully aware.

I used to clean up the cat's barf. Now I just let the dog eat it.

When I pass by a woman, I tug at the brim of my hat, smile & say "Ma'am".

They usually respond positively, until I say "nice tits".

I wish I had a wife or live-in girlfriend so I could sleep underneath a duvet.

I had a long distance relationship once. They are really difficult. Especially if the other person doesn't really know you personally.

Know why you and I get along so well?







I was really hoping you would, because I have no clue.

Admittedly I would have been employed longer at that driving school had I not kept yelling at my students to follow the beer delivery truck.

Don't want to get sentimental and wishy-washy, but I'll be goddamned how you all keep up with so many amazing and funny people on Twitter.

I've met 2 people who could drink me under the table. Both women. One was a Tennessee mountain woman raised on moonshine. The other is dead.

What's a little skin between friends?

Try as I might, I just could not give her a massage without it leading to us having sex.