Dated 8 Jennifers. Used to refer by number. Now go by mental disorder- Jennifer the Neurotic,Jennifer the Bipolar,Jennifer the Psychotic,etc

That's so cute that y'all share a Facebook page as a couple. So... which one of you cheated?

I used to enjoy being mounted reverse-cowgirl style but now that I have a beer belly it's more like reverse-nomad-resting-on-a-camels-hump.

I just opened a 2009 bottle of Cherry NyQuil® and I’m letting it breathe.

I try but it really is hard to have a relationship with my GPS because she is such a cold recalculating bitch.

The fact that I only have one testicle has garnered me more followers than charming personality, good looks, or sharp wit ever could.

I was rudely awakened last night when a guy living in Southern California decided to open one of those damned biodegradable Sun Chips® bags.

Living in Kansas we decided to go over our family safety plans. The kids now know what to do in case of fire, tornado, & zombie apocalypse.

I can't move my right shoulder up and down anymore. I was okay with this until I realized this might seriously interfere with my sex life.

Did you just call my name? No? Well I just thought I heard somebody call out Sexy Motherfucker.

This is the part of the day when I just wanna go home to my naked wife and find her holding a pitcher of margaritas.

Bitter people who say hateful things to discourage u are assholes but they'd probably have a shit-ton of followers if they took to twitter.

I think The Baby is bipolar because one minute she's laughing and the next she's crying.

Timing is everything when it comes to comedy, Twitter, and unwanted pregnancy.

Dad called me long distance and asked what I was up to. I said, "I'm in Kansas makin' babies." He said, "Carry on, my wayward son."

A friend predicted I would die all alone, playing Rock Band, drowning in a bottle of bourbon. Ha! Proved him wrong. PS3 is broken, bitch!

My wife and are trying to tweet but she can't get her twitter up. Is it me? Am I doing it wrong? Maybe she just doesn't love me anymore?

Ever noticed how hourly employees take longer shits than salaried employees?

My wife just texted somebody to ask them their phone number. I swear, sometimes this shit just writes itself.

Had a little chat with The Baby last night & laid down the law - she is not allowed to date the baby on the E-Trade® commercials. Bastard.