@theacerbic1's (zzzzz....Huh What?) most faved Tweets...
friend just told me to "go to hell". Great...now I'm confused. Am I supposed to stay at work or go home?
pro-tip: saying it was a twitter name, not a real name doesn't make up for the fact that it wasn't your wife's name you yelled during sex
twitter lesson learned #382: women on twitter profess to liking sex a lot. until they figure out you're less than 2 hrs away...
I give 100% at work. Mon. gets 5%, Tues is 20%, Wed maybe 45%, Thurs probably 23% and Fri gets 5%. crap, that's only 98. eh, close enough
Krispy Kreme rejected my Halloween costume idea. Said they had a PR problem with how I was planning on carrying the donuts
my only Halloween decoration is a yard sign that reads "I'm the stranger your parents warned you about. Want some candy?"
this little piggy went to market, this little piggy became bacon, the last little piggy was evil and got revenge by starting a flu pandemic
the homeless people are getting greedy "Can I bum a cig?" fuck dude, have you seen the price of smokes lately? Can I just give you a dollar?
why would anyone want to be on Santa's nice list? 1 day of gifts vs. 364 of evil debauchery? that's a no contest in my mind.
know why us rednecks draw out our speech and make everything take twice as long to say? It's easier to hide our drinking problems.
pro-tip: make sure you know the gender of the person you are speaking to before saying "nice beard".
next year I'm going to go as a preacher for Halloween. I can find a bible, but can one of you loan me a Rolex and a Mercedes?
I've sucked down so many cough drops that my mouth looks like I just finished blowing a sunburned smurf
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