If you are broken, I don't want to fix you. I want to see if my pieces fit yours.

When I've tweeted something naughty, instead of deleting it I do several RT's kinda like a cat desperately covering shit in the litter box.

My daughter needs to make friends with kids in a cheaper shoe bracket.

When you don't tweet for awhile, I just figure the cops finally caught you.

My favorite position is in over my head.

If you ever want to test your terrorist negotiation skills, let your child hold the gardening hose.

If your tweets are protected, no one can hear you scream.

Microwavable single serving hamburger helper so you can taste rock bottom.

They just called me to ask if I have a corkscrew at my desk, & I do, but I'm a little concerned it is a trick question.

My kid - "I'm thirsty"
My husband - "She's thirsty"
I don't have a partner. I have a parrot.

Behaving is boring.

I'd rather narrate a dog's thoughts for eternity than watch the Kardashians.

Buying cat food at a gas station on a Friday night. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

When I'm someone's only star or they are mine, I feel like we just did a trust fall, & we've got each other's back.

Twitter is my message in a bottle.

I have so many questions about why unfrosted pop tarts exist.

Feeling shy tonite. Make the action figures turn around. NO, not Chewbacca.

He can watch.

The kama sutra, but just different ways to eat an oreo.

When a chick only tweets about sex, I imagine her doing the most unsexy things like folding socks and crying while her cat watches.

I have loose morals, poor judgment, & own a camera.

Why would anyone unfollow me?!