Is there a sex position called 'eating cookies' where you kinda have some sex but mostly you just eat cookies?

If you ever think I stole a tweet, please DM me before posting passive-aggressively about it, because chances are your mom is a whore.

"Girl, look at that body. Girl, look at that body. Girl, look at that body." - Hilarious police officer at the scene of a triple homicide.

I burned my hand earlier and now my kid thinks an oven is called a motherfucker.

It may not be "normal" to lay down in the shower and pretend it's raining and you're an unwanted baby in a ditch, but it's relaxing.

One day I will write my autobiography and it will just say "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." The rest of the pages will be drawings of dicks.

Damn boy are you a condom because it feels better when you’re not here.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You're welcome, girls.

Just renamed my wi-fi network "I hate your ugly guts for not parking where you're supposed to you goddamn idiots with the Ford Excursion."

If you’ve ever Googled the lyrics to a rap song, congratulations, you’re white.

And YOU'RE in the friend zone and YOU'RE in the friend zone and YOU'RE in the friend zone and YOU'RE whoa, not you. Go get in my fuck wagon.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we're just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I'm sorry, did you say something? I just saw your tattoos and couldn't hear you over the sound of my pants falling off.

Ladies, here’s the thing, you’ve gotta be at least one shade more attractive than you are crazy.

For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.

My mom asked me earlier if my Twitter account was “PG or PG-13” and I was like “thaaaat’s fucking adorable you crazy old cuntsack.”

I pretend that RT stands for 'rectal tear' and then when you say 'thanks for the RT, bro!' I laugh until blood comes out of my mouth.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

No one wants to talk to your kid on the phone. No one.

No one.

Jersey Shore is about half-naked, alcoholic assholes pretending to be friends, and talking about sex more than having it. Sound familiar?