Popular Recent Faved By Given
Friends: 672
Followers: 1,022
Favs Given: 3,123
Favs Rec'd: 10,538
@wood's (Wood) most faved Tweets...
wood
I like my coffee like I like my women: with absolute certainty that no one's penis has been in them.
@wood
wood
At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job.
@wood
wood
There are two classes of Scrabble player: people who are not as smart as I and poopyfaced cheaters.
@wood
wood
In Kingman AZ "clean restroom" apparently means "does not contain a dead prostitute."
@wood
wood
Wife tells me: "a good husband would take my car out and fill it up."

I've been working on my good wife list the whole way home.
@wood
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wood
My neighbor's musical lawn Santa self-immolated overnight. That's like the fourth one now. Weird, huh?
@wood
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wood
Well, this bladder isn't going to empty itself.

Oh, wait... Hey, whaddya know?
@wood
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wood
$0.99 margaritas, you say? Tell you what, here's a $50. Whatever's left once I'm on the floor is yours.
@wood
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wood
Downloaded a follower tracking app. It's called "Everyone hates you and you'll die alone, you miserable little man.app," or something.
@wood
wood
I'm starting to suspect that a lot of homophobia stems from an overestimation of one's attractiveness to the same sex.
@wood
wood
So THAT'S what 8 hrs of sleep feels like! It really was rather nice. Next I think I'll try this sex thing you all keep going on about.
@wood
wood
It's NOT a bathrobe! It's a smoking jacket.

Yeah, okay, it's a bathrobe. At least I have my brandy snifter.

Fine, it's a 40. Whatever.
@wood
wood
Daughter let slip that one of her school friends is a stripper now but won't say who or where. This could be awkward someday. And expensive.
@wood
wood
Boss is in Scotland, co-workers are in CA. I'm all alone in the warehouse. You know what this means, right? OMG I'M DRIVING THE FORKLIFT!!!
@wood
wood
If I were to "dumb it down" for you any more than this, I'd be mooing at you.
@wood
wood
Dude, checking Facebook AGAIN? You are such a loser.

Hang on while I tweet that. What?
@wood
wood
Does anyone actually read the public timeline? Because honestly it's like trying to have a conversation with a tinfoil hatted hobo.
@wood
wood
I am just filled with love and warmth for all of humanity! Lap it up now bitches, I'll be sober in an hour or two.
@wood
wood
I know the sign says "closed" but if you're not going to let me in that men's room you'd best direct me to your least favorite plant. Now.
@wood
wood
Sometimes, deep in the night, a man finds himself haunted by the memory of what he did for that Klondike bar.
@wood
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