Stop giving Amanda Bynes a hard time. Her mom is stranded in a hot air balloon. Let her grieve in her own way.

The difference between being romantic and creepy is how hot you are.

I'm not gay, but I think I know a thing or two about not having sex with women.

Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

The lead singer of Nickelback is just Nicolas Cage with uncooked ramen noodles glued to his head.

How to properly watch the debate: http://t.co/sEMQCpF8

People love me for a few months and then never talk to me or think about me ever again. I'm basically the Nintendo Wii of people.

The humble pie I made today was...okay.

"You'll have more fun in high school, Zach."

"You'll have more fun in college, Zach."

"You'll have more fun in Hell, Zach."

Fuck the scale. If you look hot, you weigh the right amount.

I feel bad for the girl who took her glasses off and let her hair down and was still ugly as shit.

I went on WebMD to see why my foot was asleep and apparently I have cancer of the everything.

Someone who dines at a diner is a diner. I N C E P T I O N

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.

"I'm not slutty like all the other girls." - every girl

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." It's going to be really awkward if I get one of them pregnant, though.

When a girl says "suck my dick" it's shocking and edgy, but when I say "lick my vagina" everybody just looks at me funny.

I nicknamed my penis "Cock of Ages" because nobody saw it this weekend.

GET BACK IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR, DRAKE.

I PRESENT TO YOU: THE DUMBEST PERSON ON EARTH pic.twitter.com/SegNT0nf